I'm going to make this short. As a person living with a traumagenic personality disorder, I feel I am the safest and best candidate for the job and this is my platform:
Even as batshit insane as I am, I'm nowhere near as bad as anyone who has ever held any publicly elected office. I can dispel myths about mental health issues, all the while telling whatever lies are needed to make everyone think it's a good idea. The difference with me is that I acknowledge I have a severe psychiatric condition and therefore pledge allegiance to the highest bidder only.
Here's why you should support me—
⚫ I have never been arrested. For anything. Ever. I am a safe bet on getting away with whatever I want.
⚫ Everybody else is doing it.
⚫ I have worked in the public sector and can manipulate bureaucratic processes quite effectively.
⚫ I know a ton of rad music. Have you heard Bobby Hutcherson, friend?
⚫ I totally believe in god.
⚫ And finally, I firmly believe in a strong imperialist stance, but we must fight wars that are meaningful. Therefore, part of my platform involves an initiative to shift the fury of our focus to those outsiders that have been menacing us since before our parents' parents were children. Those filthy urchins that invade our public areas, our homes, and who steal food sometimes from our hands as we're eating it: the ants. Yes, it's true: they outnumber us by the billions, but friends, are you not tired of your home literally being invaded by these aggressively stealthy and yet still swindling ants? First ask yourself: have you ever wanted to break into an ant's house and go through their stuff? You most certainly have not. Now ask yourself this: why do I keep letting them get away with it, then? Enough is enough, friends. It's time for a preemptive strike.
Yes, I'm as serious about this as you are. Just remember: we both know I'm the less insane choice.
I appreciate your support for President of the United States in the 2024 general election.
DISCLAIMER: IF ELECTED, RESULTS MAY VARY BUT WILL BE HILARIOUS EITHER WAY. COME ON, JUST VOTE FOR ME. I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOUTOUT IN MY SPEECH and that shit goes in public record forever so it'll be like you got a shoutout in the liner notes of the whole damn country how patriotic is that fr and you know ain't nobody in the eastern hemisphere got any kinda game like that there's a reason west rhymes with best ya'll
