Declaring my candidacy for President of the United States in 2024 Election and the beginning of the Ant Wars.

I'm going to make this short. As a person living with a traumagenic personality disorder, I feel I am the safest and best candidate for the job and this is my platform:

Even as batshit insane as I am, I'm nowhere near as bad as anyone who has ever held any publicly elected office. I can dispel myths about mental health issues, all the while telling whatever lies are needed to make everyone think it's a good idea. The difference with me is that I acknowledge I have a severe psychiatric condition and therefore pledge allegiance to the highest bidder only.

Here's why you should support me—

⚫ I have never been arrested. For anything. Ever. I am a safe bet on getting away with whatever I want.

⚫ Everybody else is doing it.

⚫ I have worked in the public sector and can manipulate bureaucratic processes quite effectively.

⚫ I know a ton of rad music. Have you heard Bobby Hutcherson, friend?

⚫ I totally believe in god.

⚫ And finally, I firmly believe in a strong imperialist stance, but we must fight wars that are meaningful. Therefore, part of my platform involves an initiative to shift the fury of our focus to those outsiders that have been menacing us since before our parents' parents were children. Those filthy urchins that invade our public areas, our homes, and who steal food sometimes from our hands as we're eating it: the ants. Yes, it's true: they outnumber us by the billions, but friends, are you not tired of your home literally being invaded by these aggressively stealthy and yet still swindling ants? First ask yourself: have you ever wanted to break into an ant's house and go through their stuff? You most certainly have not. Now ask yourself this: why do I keep letting them get away with it, then? Enough is enough, friends. It's time for a preemptive strike.

Yes, I'm as serious about this as you are. Just remember: we both know I'm the less insane choice.

I appreciate your support for President of the United States in the 2024 general election.

DISCLAIMER: IF ELECTED, RESULTS MAY VARY BUT WILL BE HILARIOUS EITHER WAY. COME ON, JUST VOTE FOR ME. I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOUTOUT IN MY SPEECH and that shit goes in public record forever so it'll be like you got a shoutout in the liner notes of the whole damn country how patriotic is that fr and you know ain't nobody in the eastern hemisphere got any kinda game like that there's a reason west rhymes with best ya'll

"The Legend of Ratt Boy"

When I worked at a used record store, I once got condescendingly asked, "Do you even know who Ratt is?" by a guy who had two (visible) tattoos.

They were magnificent and I would like to tell you about them.

PART ONE:

He came in around 11 one morning looking for the song "Round and Round." 

"On cassette," in a rather aggressive voice, he demanded. I was the only one in the shop at that moment because my coworkers had all gone out back to smoke a bowl (I was straight edge at the time— no, honestly). I knew the song and figured that since this was 2002 and we only had one Ratt tape in the section, it would definitely be the one with the band's only hit on it.

The store was packed so I was trying to multi-task the best I could. I happily lead our friend over to the section, grabbed the tape, handed it to him, and pointed out the listening station behind us. "I'll be running the register, but just holler if you need anything", I said as I turned to do so.

That's when I got my first good look at them.

They were both front-facing portraits, kind of akin to mugshots. There was one on each shoulder and he was wearing a denim vest with no shirt, so it was very clear to me -the helpful record store clerk- the two icons of music that this kind fellow had immortalized into his own flesh:

On the right, in full hairdo, makeup, and tongue extension, was Gene Simmons.

On the left, looking like an even more ornately beautiful "ghost with blonde dreadlocks" than his real self, was Boy George.

Our friend with no clear discrimination in taste was happy for the opportunity to "try before you buy" and I was on my way back to the register, a better and more cultured version of myself than before my encounter with this unexpected, and truly appreciated, visitor.

PART TWO:

So about five minutes later my coworkers came back in, got themselves together enough to come back up front and do their fucking jobs, and I went back to my main task away from the register. Guy comes over to me. Has the tape in one hand, as he points and taps at it with the other on certain words - to I guess make it extra clear that HEY THIS DOESN'T HAVE MY SONG ON IT.

"Ahhh man, I'm sorry. Lemme see what I can do for you, we might have some unprocessed backstock," I say as I drop everything I'm doing -again- and quickly make my way around him to go do that.

"Do you even know who Ratt IS?" emerges from his mouth as we meet back at the front counter.

"Nah man, check back tho— we see that one a lot."

(I was telling the truth.)

He walks out, empty handed and in a huff. Along the way, my high as hell coworker at the register chirps, "Nice ink man!" 

The unexpected visitor did a rather rude thing at this point and gave my coworker the middle finger.

"Jeez, what's with RATT BOY?" was probably the last thing Ratt Boy heard as he left the store that morning. We never saw him again. However, dearest reader, I have a confession to make -and I have a confession about my confession- and that is:

I wanted very much to have another unexpected visit from Ratt Boy. I thought of him as a kindred spirit. I knew the inner conflict that arises from liking such broad contrasts in equal measure and I was also not interested in explaining myself whatsoever. I liked James Brown and The Cure. Joni Mitchell and Janet Jackson, dammit. These were all the same thing to me: classic.

I wanted another visit from Ratt Boy so much, in fact, that as soon as I saw a copy of the tape with "Round and Round" come through, I grabbed it and immediately needed to make sure we would definitely have it on Ratt Boy's next visit: I put it in my section of the employee holds bin.

I knew who Ratt was.

by andy.

(with kind regards to Matt Kendig)